NEWS

Client 10 Revealed! - By Deep Throat

Principal Joe Wilson publicly announced his resignation as principal of IHS on February 26, effective June 30, 2009. At the time, he did not give an explanation for his decision, citing only “reasons beyond my control.” On March 10, however, after an intrepid Tattler reporter uncovered allegations that Wilson was Client 10 of the now infamous Escorts-R-Us, he admitted that his worries of an impending discovery had been behind his decision.

All IHS Teachers to Teach Sex Education - By Esty Dee

In an effort to enhance sex education at IHS, all teachers are now required to spend one class period each week discussing safe sex and contraception. This new policy came into effect on March 17, after repeated calls for more sex education outside of health class. So far, the program has been met with much enthusiasm and support. “I’m learning so much more about sex in statistics class, with Mr. [Adam] Kalman, than in my health class-he just knows so much!” commented one student.

Tasers Approved for Use on Students - By Pika Chu

A new school policy will allow IHS faculty and staff to taser students who “create conditions that unnecessarily hinder hall traffic.” While this program has only been tested in a few randomly selected hallways, administrators have found it successful and are suggesting full implementation soon.

Staff Sleepover Aims to Unify - By Pillo Tock

On March 1, the IHS administration hosted a sleepover for faculty and staff to promote unity within the school. The sleepover began at 8:00 p.m. on March 1 and ended the next day at 6:00 a.m. The event was held primarily in H Courtyard, although the rambunctious teachers were difficult to contain in a single area, often wandering the halls even without a pass. Principal Joe Wilson described the sleeping conditions as “comfortable but very snug.”

H Courtyard to Close Again, Now for Radioactive Testing - By Ray D. Umm

As if the closing of H Courtyard this past December due to leaking water wasn’t enough for students, staff, and especially the class of ’08 to handle, the seniors-only quiet study area will soon be closed again, this time for radioactive testing, according to IHS Principal Joe Wilson. It is estimated that the courtyard will be closed for three weeks at the very least, and possibly up to five or six.

Easter Bunny Found Dead in Alley - By By H. A. Seuss

Officer Stein of the New York Police Department (NYPD) was walking his usual patrol route on March 24. Little did he know of the astounding truth he was about to uncover. It was the day after Easter, and he glanced at a photo-just added to his wallet-of his son eating a chocolate bunny that Sunday morning.