Despite continuing attempts to continue to attempt to grow its pool of editor applications, the Tattler has met with little success in altering its classically dichromatic sheen. We love white and yellow as much as the next newspaper; unfortunately, it appears that hypocrisy has a limit, or so they say. To ameliorate the situation of its rapidly stagnating editorial board, the Tattler is pleased to announce the creation of the New Affirmative Action Committee for Postulants (NAACP) to select only the most qualified applicants for its racial quotas. CEO of Tattler Inc. John “John Yoon” Yoon ’16 cites the recent departure of the Tattler’s sole splash of color, former Webmaster Gayathri Ganesan ’15, as inspiration for the move.
“I’ve received a lot of emails asking, ‘Why couldn’t you have implemented this sooner?’ and I have to say, I—that is, our current editors—have been trying our best to diversify the staff without being overtly blatant about it,” said Interim Tattler Chief Diversity Officer James Park ’17, formerly editor of the Features section, during an exclusive interview. “But we know exactly how it feels to be dismissed based on race as well. My brothers Central and Millennium never had much luck with the diversity of their clients either. Please clap.” Park, who has been cited as a member of a Mongoloid conspiracy to maintain control over the Tattler alongside fellow editors surnamed Yoon, Xu, and Uchigasaki, proceeded to deny all charges raised against him.
There have been persistent worries that affirmative action will only perpetuate the trend of butter- and cream cheese-complexioned applicants vying for an editorial spot. Fear not, for the NAACP has figured the mathematics to support its policy. Analysis of target demographics from a variety of closely related sources such as the ICSD (Islamic Center of San Diego) and MIT (Made In Taiwan) has shown that adoption of new policies results in at least a [redacted] percent increase in diversity per year per newton, even though that’s not actually measurable. The five-year plan going forward depends heavily on these numbers, so we can’t actually release them to the public until 2021, by which time we’re sure that the Tattler staff will have achieved a 1:1:1:π ratio of whites to blacks to Latinos to Asians.
The purportedly ongoing issues have done little to dampen enthusiasm for the Tattler’s affirmative action policy, at least within the editorial board. 2016–17 looks to be a bright year for Tattler diversity. Make sure to tell all of your non-white, non-Asian friends to pick up an application; they’ll probably get in. Maybe. We’re pretty sure we’re doing this right.
